Shame

”Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me”

Shame, what does it really means?
Shame on me because I’m not as I should be?
Shame on me because I’m not afraid to speak my mind?Shame on me because I know who I am?

What is shame?
Why should anyone be ashamed of anything they do or how they look like?
Why should I be ashamed over my accident, my backpack of garbage?
I ain’t ashamed of who I am, why should I?
Why should anyone be ashamed of who they are?

I can be ashamed over people that don’t know better than telling someone that they have to be ashamed over themselves.
Those kind of people are the one who must make others feel bad, so they can feel much better about themselves. When the real answer is that they don’t have the guts to tell anyone how brave they think the other one is for telling about their feelings.

I’m not ashamed over who I am, what I love to do, who I love, what I’m doing with my life.
Instead I’m proud over who I am, proud that I have the guts to tell people what I think about them, proud that no one and I mean no one can jump on my throat, proud that I am me and not anyone else.

Depression

Depression is probably the worst mental illness you can have and then double it up with anxiety attacks, that’s a horrible, terrifying  state of mind.
It’s bad how the society treats us who suffer from this every single day and nights.
It comes in all different types.
You can bee a total stranger to everyone in your circle even to yourself.
You can bee the most loudest human being in the school class or at work who makes all think of you as a pain in the ass .
You can be the one who seams to have all in control, which makes it even harder to realise that something isn’t quite what it looks like.

Many in your connection is suffer from depression and anxiety without you even know until its to late..

We who suffer with these thoughts don’t want to hear people/relatives/friends tell us to pull all together, that is the worst line to say.
You don’t know how difficult it is to ‘pull all together’ for someone who is so mental ill that the only option, they think, is to just go away and never come back.
We don’t think about what mess it will be for the ones we leave behind, its not selfish, it’s never selfish, I think they are brave to take that final step. I don’t have that gut to jump.
The people we left behind are some of the reason why a mental ill person do stuff like this, it’s a call about that they can’t take it any more so they think that ‘I’m a problem it will be easier for me to just disappear so they don’t have to think about me’

Think twice before you say anything that will ruin a life.
Help people instead, do something meaningful, be there for the one who cries out for help in all different ways.

My story to tell

This is why I started this blog and this is my journey.

When I was seventeen(17), I had my life already planned. After school I was going overseas to start working with cars. But that wasn’t what life had planned for me.
I was out riding with some friends, not on my horse, he was still not ready to bee ridden so much (age 4). I had the pleasure to ride this old gentleman (age 27), he meant the world to me, he was a safe horse, someone you could trust, he always looked after you.
We had a wonderful ride. Then came our gallop, we were in the middle of three(3) other horses.
There have been rumours, accusations and the most difficult I’ve been blamed for what happened. I may have been young, but I sure wasn’t stupid!

In the middle of the gallop my friend had an heart attack (I didn’t know it then) so he started to wobble, I don’t know anything about this only by saying, I tried to make him go straight. He threw me off, I got unconscious, he didn’t have so much power left so he wobbled a few steps and then collapsed on top of me. The only thing that wasn’t covered up of his body and weight was from my knees and down. Like dad says ‘he had the entirely universe to collapse on, but he did it on my daughter’.
Luckily I had the other two girls with me, so the smallest one jumped up on the second bigger horse and rode up the big farm, while the other stayed with me and the alarm station, 112(911), this girl who rode to the farm, she got this horse up the stairs to the front door!
Amazing, that they went up the stairs, not an easy thing with a horse who has never done anything like that. It only shows that horses also have a sixth sense, ours.

You read correct I got an 700kg horse on top of me. He didn’t mean to collapse on me, but he did. The girls tried to get him to rise himself again, but he had no powers left. He fell down again for his final sleep. (I can’t write without shedding tears for this loving horse, I miss him!) The firemen + some others, from the farm, had to lift him of me, they were 7 men. 700kg isn’t something you just lift.
The ambulance arrives when they’ve got my body free. I had the colour of black/purple, my heart was on its final beat. I was in a deep coma for 20 days. I was in a critical shape, they didn’t know if I was ever going to wake up. I was in an experiment, were they put in a catheter in your thigh and slowly cools you down to 33°c. They pumped me with anaesthetic and morphine. This was a way so the organs and brain would be intact, so no further damage would occur. Thanks to this proceed, I’ve been able to get well so fast.
I woke up 20 days later and the amazing part is that my whole family was there. I couldn’t speak, walk, or breath properly. I was partly paralysed from my waist and down, my right arm was totally dead. I had no muscles left, it didn’t felt like my body. I was weak. I couldn’t do anything without help.

Imagine yourself from an healthy, strong young girl to just lay in bed tired and not knowing what would happen to you. I moved away from home when I was sixteen(16) and I had learned to manage myself and here I was one year later and I couldn’t even talk! I didn’t know who I was..
Before I left the hospital, two months later, I was told what had happened. All I could hear was that my friend was dead. After that information, I fell in an depression for the loss of a hero, my hero. I moved from the hospital after only 2 months, which the doctors didn’t have in mind for me. I was supposed to bee there until school started or even longer. But I gave them an aha experience instead.
I moved to an rehabilitations centre.
My arm started to slowly wake up, that pain!
Everything about that centre was pain, but like they said ‘when your in here you hate us, but later you’ll be thankful for have been here. I couldn’t have said it much better my self. I didn’t stay over there for long either. Every week they had an schedule for what I should do in that week, well I broke that schedule in just 2-3 days. So after a few weeks, the skipped the schedule and they took one day at a time. Before I left that place, I could walk a few steps again.

Finally back home too my beloved animals, family and did I mention my animals. Back at home was hard, I couldn’t walk up the stairs, I had to use my wheelchair from A to B and vice versa. I worked on the steps everyday until I figured out that I could crawl up. Three(3) steps for me was like all the steps in the triumphal arc. Imagine how long that would take for me, it went a little faster when I crawled. It wasn’t until five(5) years later that I could start live like I used to. I got my driver licence when I was twenty(20) instead of eighteen(18).
Moved out…again…moved home again…moved out once and (hopefully) for all again.

I ain’t going to bore you with my problems with the society, people, myself, friends, relationships, money issues, surgeries, mood, tears, fights, not knowing.. All that would just make you feel bored, irritated etc. This story isn’t finished, but it’s a very heavy story I’m writing. I can’t make it write itself, this is a little part for my recovery and my ideas for my book.
I only need some help with my biography. Hope you could get some information of what I’ve been through. I wanted to write more about what’s happened to me after hospital and more about my fight against myself and the world.

Sincerely the starter of this project named Fighting for Acceptance,
The one and only, Elin<3

Worthless

How come that you always feel like you’re worthless?

When you’re out, other people look at you like you’re something abnormal.
Looking for work is almost hopeless.
To find your love is almost impossible, the only thing they see is your obstacle..

Instead of getting to be the one who gets the feeling of being valuable. You gets the feeling of being hopeless.

To be able to find someone who can appreciate you for who you are ain’t something easy.
It might be for some, but not for me..

I get some questions about my obstacles that’s not feeling fair. I wouldn’t get those questions if I still was a ”normal” person.

Think of that when you’re meeting or talking with any human being. We are all having some problems with ourselves.
But not thinking about our actions can make someone feel like he/she is worthless.

It’s like when you hear that you have to work harder otherwise you have nothing.

Worthless is the word that can make anyone feel the pain.

Its not everyday I get this feeling, but its not that I never get the feelings, like tonight..
Tonight I’m feeling worthless..

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Truth

This is what I’ve always said and I really want to make a change.

Make our voices heard!
Make people to understand our strength’s not our weaknesses.
We don’t show our pain like others do, we show us with a smile 🙂

We are happier than most other people.
We have the knowledge of life, we appreciate life more and most of all we now that one word called respect.

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Free

This is one blog with only my thoughts.

I think that all of us who’s not able to live like we want to, want to be free.

I have been ”healthy” and free.
I know how it is to be able to run, jump and do all things that I took for granted at that time.

Now I know how it is to fight for your life in a coma and the hard fight to come back.
I know how strong you must be too have the strength to go forward and don’t look back!
I have never been through anything that’s more difficult and challenging in my 17 year in life.

Now I’m 25 and I am stronger, wiser, tougher than I would ever be.

I have never given up on me.
Now I would never give up to fight for all who is in the same cage.
We also have a right to feel free like anyone else.

Freedom is a very good feeling too have.
Sadly not all of us have that chance to be able to feel that sweet air known as freedom.

Freedom for me is that we all can move in the surrounding as ”normal” people, without being judged.

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Fight

Every day is a fight.

You have to defend yourself all the time.
You have to fight against your body.
What would happen if your body would win?
What would happen if your surroundings tells you to keep fighting, help you fight, help you cope with with people who don’t know?

Who would want to change bodies with you?
Who would want to learn that we’re struggling with ourselves and at the same time against our bodies?
Who would put their fear against our pain at the side, so they could try to understand?

We are all struggling against something. Some people don’t show how they feel, even if you can see that they shouldn’t. While some show how they feel.

We can’t demand that people in the world would understand how we feel, our pain..
But we can say that we want people to try.

It’s frightening how misunderstood we all are.
No matter what our conditions are.

Keep on fighting for yourself, fight to prove yourself that you can do it!
Don’t listen to what all say, you are strong, beautiful, magnificent, tell yourself that every morning and every night before bedtime.

Try to fight for all, but first fight for you, fight for your believe, fight for who you are!

Don’t struggle with your pain alone.
Talk to others who know how it is to fight.
Promise me that and most of all promise yourself and promise to show they who push you down wrong!

Together we’re strong, together we fight, together we prove them wrong!

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Judgement

Why are we, the people in this world so judgmental?

Why can’t the people accept us for who we are and what we do?

Don’t they see that we are struggling to get accepted by the world citizens?

They don’t see the pain we’re living with or they just don’t want to see it.

People are good at judge others before they take a look at themselves and realize that they are just as good as anyone, like us.

Why is always in my head.

Why can’t I do that? Why am I not allowed to all different kind of things that I want to do? No instead they have already judged me, that there’s no chance for me to cope with this and that.

The world is already tough and hard for everyone else, but it’s more likely for a healthy, ”normal” person to get that job you’ve applied for, only because you have your obstacle.

I know that’s not always true, but that’s one of the ways I see.

My obstacle is that I can’t handle too much information or action that’s happening in my surrounding. My brain gets tiered, but my body can still go on.

People can’t or wont understand, that I get tiered so easily only because I look so healthy?!

Who in this world can call them self healthy?

No matter what problem, obstacle you have that is visible isn’t right for others to judge. They who judge us the most either have problems with themselves or they have only gotten the idea that we have no rights. Only because we can walk different, roll different, talk different, look different, think different and so on. We aren’t much different from who you are, from how everyone are and mostly you don’t know how strong we are, how much we want to live and how much we want to be accepted by others.

Enough said..

 

Knowledge

Knowledge is something that people today have little less of.
Which is a little frightening.
People will believe that everything is as it should be.
They’ll say that the community are already accepting us the way we are. No they’re not. Just because you’re different you’re not going to be accepted.
We who are disabled aren’t accepted no matter what they’re saying.
Apparently we don’t even exist.
We do exist, but in some peoples eyes we shouldn’t.
The knowledge of all types of disability don’t exist.
Some of my friends have a more visible handicap than others or me.
I can’t stand what’s happening!
I need to do something!
I need your help to be able to get there, will I have your support in these question marks, I hope I do.

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